i feel like shit tonight. i ask myself how i arrived at this point. besides the fact that i am ageing, i realize i never wanted to live life like it was a harrowing ride i had to manuever: i just wanted to get by by doing as little damage as i could to those around me and the ground i walked on. i looked at my journal from march 1997 to see where i was ten years ago and i remembered what a mess i was, betraying myself by my generosity to overcompensate for all the shame and guilt and trying to recover from losing so many to aids. christopher's death changed everything for me. i know he would have wanted that i live life to the fullest but seriously ever since he left me, i'm scared shitless. March 22, 2007
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