deep inside my dream chamber

2007-10-14T18:24:00.000-07:00

2007-10-14T17:01:00.000-07:00

2007-10-14T16:56:00.000-07:00

2007-10-14T16:49:00.000-07:00

2007-10-14T16:43:00.000-07:00

2007-10-14T16:35:00.000-07:00

2007-10-14T16:30:00.000-07:00

2007-10-14T15:48:00.000-07:00

2007-10-13T19:17:00.000-07:00

2007-10-13T19:10:00.000-07:00

2007-10-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

2007-10-13T18:52:00.000-07:00

desert view, the cove, la quinta, california

2007-09-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

sunny palm springs, late september 2007

2007-09-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

more snapshots of a palm springs holiday

2007-09-26T20:45:00.000-07:00

2007-09-13T15:46:00.000-07:00

Before there was the U.S. lottery, there was the Irish Sweepstakes benefitting Irish hospitals. I remember in the 1960s my father sitting at a table with Irish Sweepstakes Tickets spread out before him as he used to buy and sell them - and even once won what probably seemed at the time a small fortune on the sweepstakes - and I remember how I appreciated the aesthetic value of the them - the texture of the paper, the beautiful, unusual dyes, the fonts and abudance of mysterious text - and to this day the memory of seeing my father handle them remains a quiet and wonderful, sensual memory of that time.

2007-08-29T11:04:00.000-07:00

I had told Elaine I would go with her on Thursday to the eye appointment at Seton. Elaine told me yesterday it was Wednesday and was that a problem? I had told Riordan I would volunteer that day. I go two ways in my thinking. Stuff like this now stresses me out. Is mom more important and I will call Riordan or should I have Elaine change the appt. It is a routine appointment. Last night I decide to tell Elaine to change the appointment and this morning I decide mom's appointment is more important. Elaine told me she is going to Chicago on Friday and won't be back until Tuesday when mom has another doctor's appointment. I go home and see Keith laying on the couch and think he has none of these family obligations.

Kathleen's email from aberdeen to angela:
I am kind of scared renting a car here. The laws etc. are different. I told Eorl we should try and go away at least for the weekend. I want to explore the United Kingdom. Things I learned while being here already. U get assigned seating at the movie theather they love to stand in lines waiting for the bus and they enter and leave through the same door they love to talk really fast and it sounds like they have a bunch of spit buildup in their mouths the men here are very skinny and hunch over the girls wear tons and tons of makeup .. they are trying to look like they live in LA with all the taning shit they have all over their faces, but it looks horrible, they are orange and broke out all over their faces due to the acess makeupthe food here sucks shit everything is fried. fried fries, chicken, hamburgers, etc.oh and even the chinese here have scotish accents. (email from angela to john, august 28, 2007)

2007-08-08T10:38:00.001-07:00

August 7, 2007, I went out for tapas and sangria in the Mission with Gerardo and spoke over two hours in broken Spanish. We finished-up the night at Café Flore at his suggestion where it was 2for1 margaritas night, and we sat on the sidewalk on a relatively warm evening where he told me he wanted to broaden his circle of friends to people who loved the theater, vanguard film and café-life. I hadn’t been to Café Flore since Jim whose last name I forget had outted me to the previous owners as an inspector for the city agency that licenses food and drink establishments – and they suddenly wanted to give me free coffee. I was just a little drunk when I arrived home – and I told Eddie how overwhelmed I was at work and Eddie reminded me not to jump every time someone wanted something – and he used the word “deflect” to suggest a better approach to dealing with work and people. A few days prior I returned from an excursion north to Chico which contrary to its reputation is not a town but a city with 1,000 charming cottages set among oak and black walnut trees, and surprisingly nothing else deserving of praise except for its hot weather which I found agreeable. Its downtown, adjacent to the university, is dull and surprisingly without even a taqueria. Outside of Chico is a non-pedestrian-friendly resort area, and I use the word resort loosely, of Paradise which isn’t paradise but a small hill crowded with pine trees, small homes, bible schools, gun dealers and restaurants serving lousy Mexican food. Needless to say, I was glad to get back to San Francisco where Eddie suggested we take an excursion to the California desert. So we have planned a week in Palm Springs which does feel like a town – a real resort town - full of trashy people who probably drink too much, but ah, that desert sun, makes everything one does appear to be so life-sustaining, ha.

2007-07-26T15:46:00.001-07:00

san francisco has the lofty ideal held by the intelligentsia across the country that this is a bastion of philosophical, intellectual, and progressive thought. Any transgression by our government that impinges on our democracy and its ideals will surely be addressed by this city's engaged and informed activists, right? Wrong. I have come to realize that there really is nothing going on in this city as far as socio-political consciousness. If you take time to search for political groups, book discussions, current events forums and meetings, lectures, and other intellectual meetings, you'll find the usual distractions and indulgences that you'd find in any other city. Their are plenty of groups and activities centered around small businesses, investing, real estate, relationships, gaming, movies, and all of the other subjects which basically have the common category of diversion. We have large expos on how to become wealthy in our convention centers. Starbucks is filled with people all trying to further their careers, get their next degree, and mostly - engaging in IT. Yes IT that ubuiquitous social medium which exemplifies consumerism to its highest potential. People salivate over the next gadget, the next accessory, and then put it to use in one of their 300 text messages or e-mails throughout their self edifying social network with purposes of maintaining their poplularity and connectedness which satiates their self appraisal of worth and belonging. They feel compelled to know the latest on Paris, Lindsey, and Britney and then strive to know the real Brad Pitt and David Beckham. Show after show after show contrived by the corporate owned media networks serve our whetted appetite for sex, drama, conflict, and illustrations of what image is desirable and in need of emulation. Meanwhile we are no longer living in a democracy. A democracy is a government for the people by the people and every man is created equal. This government does not represent in any way shape or form what the people want and as we sit distracted, the greatest diffusion of wealth to a burgeoning aristocracy is happening before our very eyes. Yes, one would look to San Francisco for help - but no, not any longer. The 1500 dollar rents and million dollar homes have pushed all enlightenment to the periphery. Now we wake up on a day to day basis and simply battle for self accumulation and comfort and equate liberty and freedom with the ability to consume the latest material du jour. right now i-pod, something else next month. We are a nation of addicts and San Francisco is probably one of the shining monuments to this age of ignorance and philistinism. There's no progressivism going on here..the only thing this city is progressing towards is cosmopolitan plutocracy. (anonymous, july 26, 2007)

2007-07-26T12:17:00.000-07:00

To slow down was advice I was given recently by the Injury Clinic Dr - to stop multi-tasking. Returned from Ireland to return to the job after the weekend and just like before I went on the trip just too much to do. Maybe mom told you, before coming here to work I was on a roll running in every direction getting this and that done and quite pleased with myself (like there was no tomorrow) when I tumbled over a full laundry basket. I was on my way out with plastic bags to drop off at the supermarket for recycling after work, turn off the washer before I left as I felt I overloaded and carrying too much which blinded the basket at the bottom of the stairs. I was carrying also a hot travelling mug w/tea which spilled all over and more on my left hand. When I tumbled my face banged on a hard surface. I instantly looked like someone beat the hell out of me. Whatever about my face, I couldn't understand why my hand was so sore never thinking I burned it. I went off to Kaiser to the Injury Clinic and got the same doctor I saw last year when I broke my ankle in June and fell out of the raft in Tahoe (remember when mom came with us). Doctor wanted to know who beat and burned me. Don't know if she ever believed the truth. I just so happened to have a retirement appt. that same afternoon and I went to it. I got a ticket from a cop on my way to West Portal for not stopping at a stop sign. Not a good day! Guess I told you all that because we do tend to stress ourselves out and it's not a good thing. I too have high blood pressure/cholesteral and take medicines for both. I exercise and eat right - must be in the genes. Mom is a worry but we have to take care of ourselves also. Went to Holy Cross with her on Saturday and it's just not easy with her. The hearing aids she has should have been returned long ago and just to move her from A to Z is difficult. Mom was a very healthy lady until she was 80. You should never feel, John, that you need to spend as much time w/her as you do if it stresses you. Perhaps quality time rather than quantity. You have been so good but an hour's visit is okay too - don't feel you need to spend the Saturday night and Sundays also. You work all week and the weekend is all you have. I know my weekends are so precious. Do you take medicine for the blood pressure and cholesteral? I was going to go to Camp Mather w/Sheila and Angela for four days in August. Senior citizen four days - believe it or not I qualify having just turned 55. Kind of sad. Working for the school district, it's the week school resumes. I've been waiting for my bosses okay and she just told me I cannot have the days off. Guess I need to retire when I can. (email from mary to john, july 25, 2007)

2007-07-26T10:48:00.001-07:00

I just got back from the River today and checked my emails and was glad to hear from you since Mary called me last night about your situation. I know mom tried your house today but I called her and told her you went to work. Why did you go to work today? You should of stayed home. What did Kaiser tell you? Did they give you any medicine to relieve the anxiety attacks. John, it seems to me you should rent a cabin out in the country and get some good books and just take care of yourself. I know that mom is always a constant worry in the back of our heads. It's always there - I know that and I also know it is affecting us all. Why did Sheila break down in tears at work? Why is Mary falling down the stairs? Why is Kathy afraid to call Mom and calls me to see how mom is? I do want you to know this. Though you think Mary is hard I know she called Kaiser several times last night asking about you and also this morning. She felt you had no family there and shouldn't be alone. (email from angela to john, july 24, 2007)

2007-07-18T21:39:00.000-07:00

2007-07-18T21:36:00.000-07:00

2007-06-27T09:20:00.000-07:00

2007-06-27T09:13:00.000-07:00

people in my neighborhood at an ice cream social on twentieth street, june 2007

2007-06-27T08:57:00.000-07:00

who perpetrated a pre-emptive war against a nation that was not a threat, resulting in more than 3,000 american deaths - and still counting? who gives billion-dollar no-bid contracts to companies with whom he has ties (halliburton)? who holds thousands of stock options with the company that's profited most from the the war he started? who gave himself the power to selectively declassify documents and selectively leak them to reporters? who condones prisoner of war torture, disregarding article 17 of the geneva convention? who refuses to name the energy-industry executives who met with him behind closed doors to draft an energy policy? who quietly ordered the destruction of all records of visitors to the offical vice presidential house - right after the washington post sued for access to the logs? who's the unethical antithesis of what america should stand for? dick cheney. (sarah t. warner, sfdaily 6/25/07)

2007-06-25T09:40:00.001-07:00

El Dia de Pride, me quede en casa por la mayor parte tocando la guitarra y tomando una siesta. Por la noche, eddie e yo fuimos a una restaurante italiana en la calle 18 donde sirven borage y speck and cosas asi. Despues vimos una pelicula con Lucille Ball que me gusto. El clima ahora es muy agradable y tengo ganas de pasar tiempo en una alberca. Desafortunamente, tengo que trabajar. (jah 6/25/2007)

My Dinner Party List

2007-06-18T14:49:00.000-07:00

Jeffrey Hunter, Gwen Verdon, Gene Tierney, Jack Cole, Sidney Lumet, Shelley Winters, Eva, Zsa Zsa, Magda and Jolie, Frances Farmer, Bayard Rustin, Abigail Folgers, Albert Camus, (to be continued..)

2007-06-14T14:29:00.001-07:00

Notes from May/June 2007: Alma brought in Lychee Fruit to the office one day, something with a skin like a komodo Dragon and a core of white sopping flesh. Carlos announced that he was leaving to go work for Stanford Medical Center. Krystal received her Masters Degree. Obaid informed me that the husband of his sister in Afghastan was killed last month in a suicide bombing when he went to the market. Late June we received word that Bill Gaffney had died. Kathy Jung returned from a conference in Boston which she attended with several other administrators only to tell me how they all got sloshed in the bar every evening. One evening I dined with Gerardo from Guanajuato, tapas and sangria, on la Calle de Valencia. Spain has castles and the influence of the Moors, Gerardo explained, telling what sets Mexico apart from Spain. He told me if he was to live in Spain, he would live in Avila. I thought to myself, that I want to create my own Avila here – and so I’ve been looking at California Spanish architecture – and of course it requires a swimming pool because, at last, the hot weather has arrived and I’m ready to get sopping wet. (jah 6/14/07)

2007-06-07T11:18:00.000-07:00

2007-06-07T11:17:00.001-07:00

2007-06-07T11:07:00.000-07:00

O, starry night of good omen,
When drunkard mounted drunkard,
We whiled away the time in worship to the Devil,
With fervent faith,
Until the monks rang death’s bell and dawn,
And the young lad took off, dragging his delightful robe
Touched by my impure desire.
“Woe is me,” he said through his tears,
“You have torn away the dignity I had long treasured.”
“A lion saw a gazelle and lunged at it,” said I,
“Such are the vagaries of fate.” abu nuwas

I die of love for him, perfect in every way,
Lost in the strains of wafting music.
My eyes are fixed upon his delightful body
And I do not wonder at his beauty.
His waist is a sapling, his face a moon,
And loveliness rolls off his rosy cheek
I die of love for you, but keep this secret:
The tie that binds us is an unbreakable rope.
How much time did your creation take, O angel?
So what! All I want is to sing your praises. abu nuwas

2007-06-06T14:48:00.001-07:00

2007-06-05T14:04:00.001-07:00

It was the age of henequen
In an end of life town
You wrote your life down
On orange Bristol paper.

Even under a palapa
You could not escape me
Sand in your huaraches.

Bright, bright blood orange paper
Reflecting the sun
An advertisement for a Jewish dating club
A tarnished Kiddush cup. (jah/6/5/2007)

2007-06-04T11:11:00.000-07:00

When I was a boy I went to Disneyland and I remember that in Tomorrowland one could find "Adventures in Inner Space," a world of adventure sponsored by Monsato. Monsato also sponsored Disneyland's House of the Future. Through these exhibits, Monsato Corporation became synonimous with something decent and good. The fact is, however, there is probably no other company that is doing more to endanger the health of this planet and its inhabitants than Monsanto. Besides being a company that openly supported the nazis, they are also responsible for one ecological catastrophe after another - DDT, Agent Orange, rGBH, dioxin, and PCBs. Their products include Aspartame, Nutrasweet, Equal, RoundUp and milk products tainted with BgH. And speaking of Nazi-friendly companies, Bayer Aspirin is made by Bayer Corporation which was originally the I.G. Farben Company that produced Zyklon-B gas which used in the Nazi death camps. It's time to toss those pills down the toilet. (jah/june 4, 2007)

2007-05-29T15:31:00.000-07:00

I called mom today to tell her I was coming over soon. She told me not to rush, that she was fine. I went to the house to find out that she spilt orange juice on the Alert machine and the alarm was going off every 10 seconds. Mom's leg was swollen but she was going from room to room putting stuff away. I asked her if she missed Elaine. She told me, "No" that Elaine would not let her go from room to room, that Peggy yesterday kept following her so she finally sent her to the store. I said, "Mom, how can you say that you don't need anyone when you should be resting your leg and the alarm is going off every ten seconds. I asked where the directions were and ended up calling the company. They put me on hold for 20 minutes but felt the water damaged the system and it was an old unit anyway. I feel that machine is not worth it.(they are sending a new one in a few days) It takes up all of mom's table and I then find stuff missing under the bed. She tells me the bed is too big for her. The guy tells me to disconnect the machine, that it should not be on a power strip. Mom has the lamp on the power strip. I tell her it doesn't work. We finally realize the bulb it gone.I tell mom how can she have 10 things all plugged in to one strip and then to find the plug it is under the bed that no way can mom reach. She tells me she hates the weather, it is so dreary for her and her plants, when is the sun going to come out. I tell her it was lovely up the River, she should take a ride. Someday, she tells me. I know John Tyler has stuff under his bed also that falls under it. Mom's house is not set up for a senior. I finally convince her to rest her leg and stop puttering around. She tells me she will sleep for an hour. She wishes she had a robot, she tells me, that she can tell to move the clock or get things for her. I tell her in a 100 years there will probably be a robot to do that stuff. (Email A to JAH, May 29, 2007)

2007-05-16T13:01:00.001-07:00

Gerald Patrick O'Driscoll died unexpectedly May 12, 2007. He was 50 years old. Born in SF June 18, 1956, Gerry was the oldest of four children of Irish immigrants: Mike and Rose (Lennon) O'Driscoll. He was a generous host whose heart and home were always open. Fond of loud Hawaiian shirts, a master at steel darts and barbecuing, Gerry was the life of every party - always with a smile on his face. Gerry grew up in the Sunnyside district, and began working at a young age as a paper carrier and vendor at Candlestick Park. He paid for his college education by working at the Carpenter's Trust Fund. He went on to earn an engineering degree at UC Berkeley, after which he went to work as an engineer for Boeing. He was an engineer in the Prudhoe Bay oil fields in Alaska. He is one of the few people that have swum in the Artic Ocean. Gerry worked most recently at Mayta & Jensen. Gerry was an estimator and project manager managing complex large-scale construction projects. Gerry and Maureen met and fell in love as teenagers 33 years ago and enjoyed a storybook romance. At their wedding, the Claddagh, an ancient Irish symbol that represents the three values he exemplified so well: friendship, love and loyalty was prominent - it was on their cake, toasting glasses, as well as Gerry's wedding ring. When Sean came along, Gerry threw himself into his new role: World's Best Dad. Funeral services, with a celebration of his life, will be held Saturday at St. Brendan, with burial following afterwards at Holy Cross Cemetery in Colma. You would honor Gerry's life by wearing your loudest hawaiian shirts to the funeral.

2007-05-10T14:51:00.000-07:00

Evil doesn’t wear a snarl
It doesn’t advertise
It charms and soothes
And dons a mask
Innocuous and so benign.
It roots itself in religion
And hides behind bureaucracy
It sleeps within a conglomerate
And waves its flag for all to see. (jah 5/10/07)

2007-05-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

Dr. Cazen: I just want you to know that I am going to the gym and I am eating healthier. I am no longer working in that awful job I had which brought me to you in the first place. I will always remember your wonderful smile and that you tried to help me during the worst time in my life. John

(Richard Alan Cazen 08/20/1948-04/26/2007, deceased/brain tumor)

2007-05-04T13:23:00.001-07:00

Quakers were protesting the war outside the old Federal Building while old ladies and podgy businessmen sat at small tables in enduring cafes in Little Saigon. I scurried down Polk Street, passing a sign: Character, like a photo, develops in a dark place. It was then I ran into Bruce – who I have known for a long time but who I don’t know at all. Architecture affects up more profoundly than we might think, he stated, and referenced a book he had just read: The Architecture of Happiness. Nearby the Fox Plaza Building lunged at me reminding me of hardened stomachs, cancer, broken feet, germs, viruses and other monsters that lurk in the shadows waiting to attack me when I am again weak. Oh, thank goodness for people who don’t speak our language but try and make us laugh. Thank goodness for comfortable beds. (jah may 4, 2007)

2007-05-03T17:52:00.000-07:00

"The time will come when men such as I will look upon the murder of animals as they now look on the murder of men." Leonardo da Vinci, artist and scientist

"To a man whose mind is free there is something even more intolerable in the sufferings of animals than in the sufferings of man. For with the latter it is at least admitted that suffering is evil and that the man who causes it is a criminal. But thousands of animals are uselessly butchered every day without a shadow of remorse. If any man were to refer to it, he would be thought ridiculous. And that is the unpardonable crime." Romain Rolland, author, Nobel Prize 1915

"If a group of beings from another planet were to land on Earth -- beings who considered themselves as superior to you as you feel yourself to be to other animals -- would you concede them the rights over you that you assume over other animals?" George Bernard Shaw, playwright, Nobel Prize 1925

"What is it that should trace the insuperable line? ...The question is not, Can they reason? nor, Can they talk? but, Can they suffer?" Jeremy Bentham, philosopher

"In their behavior toward creatures, all men are Nazis. Human beings see oppression vividly when they're the victims. Otherwise they victimize blindly and without a thought." Isaac Bashevis Singer, author, Nobel Prize 1978

"Our task must be to free ourselves . . . by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty." "Nothing will benefit human health and increase chances of survival for life on earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet." Albert Einstein, physicist, Nobel Prize 1921

"I am in favor of animal rights as well as human rights. That is the way of a whole human being." Abraham Lincoln, 16th U.S. President

"You have just dined, and however scrupulously the slaughterhouse is concealed in the graceful distance of miles, there is complicity." Ralph Waldo Emerson, essayist

"I cannot fish without falling a little in self-respect...always when I have done I feel it would have been better if I had not fished." Henry David Thoreau, author

"While we ourselves are the living graves of murdered beasts, how can we expect any ideal conditions on this earth?" "Atrocities are not less atrocities when they occur in laboratories and are called medical research." George Bernard Shaw

"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated." "To my mind, the life of a lamb is no less precious than that of a human being." Mahatma Gandhi, statesman and philosopher

2007-05-02T09:46:00.000-07:00

Why should we even worry about illegal immigration? We’ve got a lot bigger problems now like mounting federal debt of over $8 trillion dollars, a rapidly declining dollar in relation to the major world currencies, and yet another endless, pointless war that will most certainly be dragged on for God knows how long. The social security system will be bankrupt in 20 years. Not that it will make much difference. We’re poisoning ourselves out of existence. Children don’t even feel safe in our schools anymore.

America used to be a great place. But the dream is over now. America is now one big homogenous mass of nauseating conformity where everyone wears the same clothes, watches the same shit TV, maxes out their credit cards, and drives their big fat SUV to the biggie mart to buy a bunch of crappy food that makes them fat and die an early death of heart disease.

Tell me again why this is worth defending? What is so great about all of this? Maybe it’s time to chalk the United States of America up as a failed social experiment and move on.

Hell, our #1 world power status is precarious at best anyway. China and a newly aligned European Union are already running circles around us economically. It’s only a matter of time before the Chinese call in the debts that we owe them which we’ll never be able to pay back. Then things will get interesting.

Back to illegal immigration, will refusing to accept the rest of the world’s “tired, poor, and huddled masses yearning to breath free,” really make us better off? Our strength as a nation has always come from our immigrants. But it seems to me that regular old Americans have done a fine job of fucking this place up. The Bush family has been here for over 200 years and look at the mess they’ve created for us in the last 7.

Our nation’s leaders had a chance to do something about this festering problem long before today. We could have killed this cancer 20 years ago but we were busy building nuclear weapons and smuggling arms from Iran to fund revolutions that have destabilized regions where many of these illegal immigrants come from.

America will suffer the same fate as all world superpowers and as far as I can tell, that day is not so far away. Our leadership has caused far more problems for us than any illegal immigrants have, and it is our failed leadership that is certainly assuring our demise. (May 1, Workers Day, 2007, Author Unknown)

2007-04-26T16:30:00.000-07:00

John Hurley's LP "Children's Dreams," from 1973. He co-wrote Dusty's "Son Of a Preacher Man"

2007-04-24T16:06:00.000-07:00

2007-04-24T15:20:00.001-07:00

2007-04-24T15:16:00.000-07:00

2007-04-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

2007-04-23T10:48:00.000-07:00

I started googling the names of people I went to grade school with me and found John O. in the April 18, 2007 issue of a northern California newspaper. Appears John is working at Home Depot in the Garden Department. I had wondered these past years if he was still alive. He had a difficult life being the target of daily verbal assaults in grade school by other students and even teachers. I'm glad he's still around smelling the roses.

2007-04-22T22:44:00.000-07:00

In 1995 Coolkelure Lodge, situated a five minute walk down a country lane from the house my father grew up in, was for sale for $110,000 Euro or around $150,000 U.S. dollars. I was in Ireland with my parents and my mother and I fell in love with the house and I suggested to my father that he buy it. An American couple purchased it from a German family and I just read where the American couple have decided to move back to the U.S. and the house is up for sale again, this time for $550,000 Euro or about $750,000.00. It's a wonderful little house, don't you think?

2007-04-22T19:02:00.000-07:00

When I was very young and in my first years of Catholic school, I was taught by the Sisters of the Blessed Virgin Mary that babies who die without being baptized do so in a state of original sin and cannot enter into heaven. They do not go to hell, however, but instead go to a place called Limbo where they enjoy an eternal state of happiness. Of course, like so many things in Catholicism, if one asked too many questions, one was told that that it was all a great mystery. Some years later when we moved west of Twin Peaks, I found Limbo, much to my surprise, located in my new neighborhood and that it was not a happy place at all. It was just the opposite. Its facade was a gigantic skull and crossbones, flanked by a hideous landscape of tombstones, blackened trees with clutching branches, alligators and vultures, severed human arms and legs and the staring, bloody-eyed waxen corpses of infant children in ragged lace nursery gowns. Above its entrance was mounted the upper body of an old and ugly witch, who swayed slowly back-and-forth above a stone plaque engraved with the words: Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here. I cannot remember if, as a boy, I ever got enough nerve to take a seat in one of the little blue fiberglass cars where a safety bar had to be secured over one's lap before an old guy pressed the little button that sent one’s vehicle behind the black double plywood doors into the mysterious world of Limbo. For some children this Limbo was a rite of passage. Others could only speculate at what terrors lurked inside and dare others to venture inside. Some bragged about having experiencing Limbo and made up blood-curdling stories about what they had seen. It was said that some people who had ventured inside were never were seen again. And even those who would casually say, "It's nothin', it's just a ride" appeared to those more timid like me that they had to be lying. Now that I am older, Limbo no longer exists in my neighborhood. In its place, there is a huge modern housing complex built in the 1970s next to a Safeway Store. They should have, at least, saved that sign and rehung it over the housing complex entrance: Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.

2007-04-18T14:25:00.002-07:00

2007-04-18T14:25:00.001-07:00

where are you today, will robinson
won't you take me away
from my waning world getting smaller
and into the stars, far away. (jah 4/18/2007)

2007-04-17T15:16:00.000-07:00

Bill is not good, his condition has deteriorated further. He is sleeping most of the time. They were feeding him through a nose tube before but are finding it impossible to do this now, as he is too weak. Things are not looking bright. I spoke to Jacqueline earlier this evening and the pair of us just kept breaking down on the phone. We don’t want him to go, but we don’t want him to suffer either. It’s very difficult. I know he is a good age but he was such a nice person and you just don’t want to let go. (Email from Ann to Mary, April 15, 2007)

2007-04-17T14:56:00.000-07:00

I found this notice of death on the internet. Sister Agnes Loretta of the order of the Blessed Virgin Mary taught at the School of The Most Holy Reedemer when I was there in the late 1960s. She liked to remind her students that she had taught Bob Hope's children. She loved diagramming sentences and she always emphasized respect and loyalty to one's parents. She took a keen interest in me, more than once chastising me in front of other students regarding my physical appearance and what she saw as my lack of effort to excel in my studies. She played an important role in my youth. I wouldn't say I was fond of her nor did I dislike her. I can only say I will never forget her. She apparently died in 2006.

Sister Agnes Loretta McElligott, BVM, 95, dies in Iowa

Sister Agnes Loretta McElligott, BVM, 95, died June 8 at Caritas Center, Dubuque, Iowa. She was principal at St. Leo School, San Jose, 1961-1967 and she also taught in San Francisco, southern California, and in Illinois and Missouri. Born Sept. 18, 1910 in Milwaukee Wis., she worked at Marquette University before entering the BVM congregation on Sept. 8, 1935. Sister Agnes Loretta was preceded in death by her parents, Walter and Esther Kenny McElligott; a sister, Mary Riordan; and brothers Joseph, Walter and James McElligott. She is survived by a nephew and the Sisters of Charity, BVM. Memorials may be sent to the Sisters of Charity, BVM Retirement Fund, 1100 Carmel Dr., Dubuque, IA 52003

2007-04-13T15:56:00.000-07:00

2007-04-13T13:10:00.000-07:00

Mom told me yesterday she hates Mondays and Sundays. Everyone hates Mondays I told her. I called her early Sunday. She was fixing the plugged up toilet. I heard Mary went over later to help her. Mom's says the house is too big, she would like a small cottage, she can't do anything anymore but then she tells me she doesn't need Elaine. I went over later to find her sleeping in the back room. We sat there and looked at the pictures on the wall. "Doesn't Johnny look cute when he was small. Look at the blond hair". I looked at the pictures and thought, " I am probably mom's age now as she was in those pictures." I looked over at mom and she is a frail, old woman now. She told me she was going to bed, probably for the night. It was only 4:00. (Email from Angela to John, March 5, 2007)

2007-04-13T09:14:00.000-07:00

My husband and I, along with all the faithful parents who have been at every San Rafael High JV basketball game, watched recently as our sons again were defeated. They won one game all season. It was difficult to watch at times, but they never gave up, and we continued to cheer them on. They were defeated over and over again, never showing defeat in their body language and approached each new game with a winning attitude. Last year, I had a senior and freshman at Branson School (the youngest is now a sophomore at San Rafael). I watched my senior go to the playoffs in soccer and both boys go to the playoffs in lacrosse. I was extremely proud of both of them and read about their teams' accomplishments each week in the IJ. I didn't realize that I would be equally proud of a losing team that would receive no recognition whatsover.

I write this on behalf of the JV basketball team's efforts. Coach Harris taught these boys so much about basketball that it was fun to watch them play each game with their hearts. The coach was passionate about the game and the boys. They played when they were tired, hurt and sick and never let one another down. They encouraged and supported one another and represented what team spirit is all about.

There's an old saying about learning more from losing than from winning. This season was a true testament to that statement. These boys learned about character, friendship, support, passion and working their hardest to the last second.

What a pleasure this losing season has been! (Letter to the Editor from Kathy T*****, Marin Independent Journal, February 20, 2007 - Kathy is my sister)

On Our Way Home......

2007-04-11T13:34:00.000-07:00

Krystal & I

2007-04-11T12:54:00.000-07:00

2007-04-11T11:16:00.000-07:00

THE WIND THAT SHAKES THE BARLEY

2007-04-10T15:39:00.000-07:00

I sat within a valley green
Sat there with my true love
And my fond heart strove to choose between
The old love and the new love
The old for her, the new that made
Me think on Ireland dearly
While soft the wind blew down the glade
And shook the golden barley

Twas hard the mournful words to frame
To break the ties that bound us
Ah, but harder still to bear the shame
Of foreign chains around us
And so I said, "The mountain glen
I'll seek at morning early
And join the brave united men"
While soft wind shook the barley

Twas sad I kissed away her tears
Her arms around me clinging
When to my ears that fateful shot
Come out the wildwood ringing
The bullet pierced my true love's breast
In life's young spring so early
And there upon my breast she died
While soft wind shook the barley

I bore her to some mountain stream
And many's the summer blossom
I placed with branches soft and green
About her gore-stained bosom
I wept and kissed her clay-cold corpse
Then rushed o'er vale and valley
My vengeance on the foe to wreak
While soft wind shook the barley

Twas blood for blood without remorse
I took at Oulart Hollow
I placed my true love's clay-cold corpse
Where mine full soon may follow
Around her grave I wondered drear
Noon, night and morning early
With aching heart when e'er I hear
The wind that shakes the barley

-Words and music by Robert Dwyer Joyce (1830-1883)

2007-04-10T15:06:00.000-07:00

I left the cabin this morning, saying goodbye to my roommate, the "spider in the sink." At first I didn't think we'd get along and that one of us would have to go but we co-habited nicely. I realized we both had a lot in common: both of us having chosen rather precarious places to live. (Email from John in Mount Shasta City to Eddie, April 4, 2007)

2007-04-10T14:59:00.000-07:00

I was shocked when they went to Auschwitz-Birkenau Concentration Camp (in Poland) on Amazing Race last night. But it was nicely done . . . rather poignant and moving. They placed candles on the railroad track leading in to the entrance. Two of the gay guys were in tears commenting how they would have been exterminated in that time & place. Joe & Bill, the older gay couple, came in last at the end and were eliminated. I had a quiet weekend. Did lots of reading. They laid off 25 people here today, in a group we work rather closely with. All their jobs are being outsourced to India. Who is next?!? (Email from Eddie to John, April 2, 2007)

2007-04-10T14:49:00.000-07:00

Thanks for your email and your kind words. There has been no real improvement with Dad’s condition. The family were called to his bedside last weekend by the doctor as they thought he was slipping away and he was given the last rites by the priest. He is still very frail and his quality of life is not brilliant, he can’t even eat or drink. The poor thing is hooked up to tubes and drips. He seems to sleep most of the time which is probably a blessing. I am more resigned to the fact that he is so ill, it was such a shock at the start. I felt it was so unfair that he should suffer like that but unfortunately we have no control over these sorts of ings. Jackie and Gerard visit dad everyday and thankfully Michael has calmed down and is behaving himself. Do you think you will come over to Ireland this summer? I had yesterday off work as it was a bank holiday for St Patrick’s Day, so it was a lovely long week end. The weather was good and it gave us chance to catch up with the gardening, such as cutting the lawns. There always seem to be things round the house that need doing. I’m hoping to get Jackie over for a holiday when the weather gets warmer and things settle down in Birmingham. All the best for now. (Email from Ann to Mary, March 20, 2007)

2007-04-10T14:42:00.000-07:00

So sorry to hear about Bill, strokes are just one of the most dreadful things that can happen to anyone. Do you have the house address for his daughter. She wrote to me last year after I sent a card to Bill but unfortunately I managed to mislay the letter before putting the address in my book.I sent another card this last Christmas hoping that she would write again but sadly she has not. Having heard the news from you about Bill I now know why. If she has an email address that will do fine. In the meanwhile I hope the letter will turn up. I am currently taking stuff to local charity shops. I think you call them thrift shops. My son in law was recently in S.F. but just for the weekend. He was over there for work, a few days in Seattle, weekend in SF and then to Silicon Valley. He used to go over to do courses in one of the twin towers, so he was very lucky not to be there on that dreadful day. Yesterday he, Andy and my daughter, Lynda, went to Kerala in India for a holiday. It looks beautiful from the pictures I have seen of it. They get back the day after I leave for Boston. I hope the weather is not going to be too bad in Boston. I know it is not going to be warm but cold and bright will be quite pleasant. It is a horrible day here today, heavy rain all day. Take care, best of luck to you and all the family. (Email from Marie S**** to me, March 30, 2007)

2007-04-10T14:32:00.000-07:00

I guess it was Jacqeline who wrote to me and whose address I have misplaced. I have not ever met the family but I did have plans to go and visit before Nora sadly passed away. I go over to Castletownbere a few times a year normally but have not been so far this year. I am going over for two weeks at the end of June. I always go to visit Margaret D**** and the family there. I always used to visit when Michael was alive so still do as I really like going to see them. I also try and visit Mary P****. It is a long time since I saw all of you, early 1993 I think, first time was in November 1991 on my way out to visit my uncle in New Zealand. I hope that you and the family are all well. Thank you for replying and to John for passing it on. I have mailed him a couple of photos of myself and girls and a couple of your mum's relations in Australia. They are descendents of your mum's uncle Tom O'Dwyer later known as Francis Burke. Best wishes. Marie. PS My first name is Julia but I have never been called it.It was after my Dad's mum who died in chidbirth when he was only 2 years old. It was traditional to call the first girl after her Father's mother. (Email from Marie S**** sent to Mary D***** March 30, 2007 and forwarded to me).

Real Estate & Road Crosses

2007-04-06T17:47:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning (Thursday, April 5, 207) at the Alamo Motel & R.V. Park on Main Street in Cottonwood after a surprisingly refreshing sleep. I’d never spent any time in a trailer park before and I couldn’t help but observe that the children all looked very healthy and that the adults all looked very beat-up. And I couldn’t help but notice, too, a sense of community among everyone and I felt if I had stayed another couple of days, I would have been welcomed into the community; however, I wasn’t going to hang around to confirm my in hunch. Instead, I ventured off to the little diner just down the road where I was served by the same grandmotherly-type woman who served me the day before. I liked this “home food” place where my breakfast this sunny morning consisted of a “nopales” omlette with hash browns and sour dough toast. And the coffee was decent too. I then went to speak with Jim Luther of Good Earth Realty, whose office was just around the corner, and I suppose I did so because I found Jim, an old man, somewhat effeminate and with lots of stories, to be such a character. I may have woke him up when I knocked on his door but he welcomed me. Learning that I was on my way to Chico, he warned me that Chico was a dangerous place and when I asked why, he said it was because it’s where he ended up getting married. His office itself was like a museum, full of personal items and antiques and photos of his children. I told him the previous day I had ventured-out to see that property he deemed was “in the boonies,” to suggest that it was not worthy to look at; and, I had discovered that it was only about 20 minutes drive from his office; however, one did have to drive down a long country road, and then another long country road and finally up a one-mile gravel not-yet-paved road to find it. But I did find it. Up a short grade, behind a fence and hidden on a knoll there it was sitting on its own 5 oak studded acres. Not visible from the road, and with a view that included Mount Shasta, asking price $229,000. But it was a manufactured home. I told Jim I had to be on my way and and I thanked him for aiding me in my adventures in Cottonwood. During the week, I could not help but observe that “for sale – foreclosure” signs were everywhere although I was told property values in general had only gone down less than 5%, less than most people imagined and that prices in general were still inflated. I then got on Highway I5 and drove south passing a gentlemen’s club offering “erotic dancing” and passing a large trailer on an open space depicting a blood-soaked hand with the words, “He died for you.” I stopped in Red Bluff to visit a historic adobe and drove through Corning with its olive trees and then got on Highway 99 – a scary ride, if there ever was one--the many white crosses along the road confirming it – on my way to Chico. When I arrived at Chico, I found the most fabu motel: The Matador, circa 1930. I received a wonderful room for less than the cost of my room the night before and, at the suggestion of the desk clerk, I went for a walk in Bidwell Park. “It’s so big, it’s bigger than Yellowstone,” she had told me, and I realized this woman who had moved from Corning to Chico had not traveled much. I had dinner at Ricabo’s Mexican Restaurant where the food was awful. I would have enjoyed a meal more if I had eaten at the 1950’s McDonald’s restaurant a short walk from my hotel. The other thing I need to say is that it’s a strange thing but there are hardly any Mexicans up here. They all seem to have gone into hiding. I’ve yet to see a Mexican in any Mexican restaurant and saw few Mexicans anywhere in fact, not even in working in the hotels or fast foot places. So I went back top The Matador Hotel and realized that even though properties are forclosing all over the place and Mexicans are all going into hiding, America is still the land of Jesus and pole dancing – and amen to that.

Cottonwood Hills

2007-04-06T17:42:00.000-07:00

Fabu McDonalds on Mangrove in Chico

2007-04-06T17:38:00.000-07:00

Swimming Lagoon, Bidwell Park, Chico

2007-04-06T17:36:00.000-07:00

Houses in Chico

2007-04-06T17:34:00.000-07:00

Neighborhood in Chico

2007-04-06T17:31:00.000-07:00

50s Tile in Bathroom, The Matador

2007-04-06T17:30:00.000-07:00

The Matador, Fabu Motel in Chico

2007-04-06T17:28:00.000-07:00

Old Adobe in Red Bluff

2007-04-06T17:25:00.000-07:00

Dunsmuir Falls

2007-04-04T21:03:00.000-07:00

Dunsmuir Falls

2007-04-04T21:00:00.000-07:00

Up the Road from My Cabin

2007-04-04T20:59:00.000-07:00

Mount Shasta

2007-04-04T20:58:00.000-07:00

Historic Ruin, Old Shasta

2007-04-04T20:54:00.000-07:00

Historic Ruin, Old Shasta

2007-04-04T20:53:00.000-07:00

Pioneer Baby's Grave & My Rental Car

2007-04-04T20:51:00.000-07:00

whiskeytown lake

2007-04-04T20:48:00.000-07:00

lonely as GOD

2007-04-04T20:46:00.000-07:00

burney falls

2007-04-04T20:45:00.000-07:00

Burney Falls

2007-04-04T20:41:00.001-07:00

Burney Falls

2007-04-04T20:41:00.000-07:00

store window in mount shasta city

2007-04-04T20:39:00.000-07:00

oak tree in cottonwood

2007-04-04T20:36:00.000-07:00

2007-03-31T21:34:00.000-07:00

the view from the sundial bridge

2007-03-31T21:26:00.000-07:00

2007-03-31T21:17:00.000-07:00

March 31, 2007, I am in Redding, California. a city set in a beautiful location, surrounded by hills including the snow-capped Mount Lassen and Mount Shasta, both active volcanos. I expected this city to be run-down but it's not -- it's clean and with lots of trees and some very nice homes. but it's all somewhat stepfordwife-ish i think. My taxi cab driver in Redding told me, "We are rednecks but we are friendly." The symbol of Redding--what put this small town of some 100,000 people on the map-- is the sundial pedestrian bridge by Spanish architect Santiago Calatrava and it did not disappoint me.

2007-03-29T12:29:00.000-07:00

Photo of the street on which I was born March 30, 1956 a half century ago at Loveday Street Maternity Hospital. The hospital no longer exists and I couldn't find a photo of the hospital itself.

Interview with Myself, March 28, 2007

2007-03-28T13:56:00.000-07:00

Q: How does it feel to be turning 51?
A: I look at photos in magazines and newspapers of men and women my age – and they look so old. I don’t feel old when I’m busy, but when I stop my world for a moment I realize I’m collateral damage and my pain, impervious to medicine; however, I’m a work in progress – and let’s face it: I love myself. I’m my biggest fan.

Q: Are you content with where you are today?
A: Most of the time I am angry, angry at god whatever that means, and I am depressed but it’s not because of what you or he or she thinks. In 1998 just before my forty-second birthday I was the victim of a terribly violent crime. I was beat up bad. I had a gun, figuratively-speaking, put to my head. As I result, I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress and for awhile my mental composition changed. At the time my father was dieing and I thought god had orchestrated this transgression against me, to get me through my father’s death. I was in so much pain, my eyes should have been hemorrhaging. That was my holocaust. I woke up to the fact that there are people all around me who have no unwillingness to send others, including me, to the crematoriums simply because they can.

Q: Where do you want to be in ten years?
A: I want to live somewhere where I am surrounded by beauty in nature and beautiful architecture and it’s quiet and safe and there is a lot of cool, clean water and my psyche isn’t assaulted by distractions and I can devote myself to things and people that warrant my devotion. I want a garden, a small orchard and I want animals and I hope Eddie will be happy there.

fleishhacker pool, largest saltwater pool in the world 1925-1971

2007-03-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

2007-03-27T11:28:00.000-07:00

This is the world I live in. More than 60 pensioners, almost half of them bed-ridden, died this month in a blaze at a retirement home in Russia that flouted fire safety regulations and was located an hour's drive from the nearest fire station. Knife-wielding smugglers forced 450 Somalis and Ethiopians overboard into stormy seas in the Gulf of Aden so they could make a speedy departure after being spotted by Yemeni security forces. Passengers who resisted the smugglers were stabbed or beaten with wooden and steel clubs, thrown overboard where some were attacked by sharks. Recovered bodies showed signs of severe mutilation. Survivors reported that several Ethiopian women and at least one Somali were raped by the smugglers during the voyage. Survivors also alleged that some Yemeni security forces confiscated their money once they reached shore. Britney Spears made her first public appearance since rehab on Friday--to take a dance class and enjoy sushi with friends. "Humanity is a Function of Comfort" (quote, EM, March 26, 2007).

back 'n the day 1925 and 1901

2007-03-26T13:50:00.000-07:00

2007-03-26T11:00:00.000-07:00

poem for eddie (written march 5, 2007)

you are so acute and wonderful
i mean the pauses and the half notes and all that
the sparten-ness of it all
and yet ready to explode
how do you do it - eddie and still remain in your wiggle room?

postcard to miss cecilia kelly

2007-03-25T14:13:00.000-07:00

2007-03-25T14:12:00.000-07:00